To Endure

This is the first time I am publishing this piece publicly.

It was written in 2009/2010  and placed on private journal entry.

At the time I could not share my pain. I couldn’t share anything. i could only wrap myself within myself and scream inside.

Today in some ways i am still screaming inside

BUT

I have learned one thing. one very important thing

to endure

 

it is a deep despair inside, a restlessness borne of not knowing but a the same time having to bear the contemplative thoughts of what will be and even worse what can be.

It is the realization that nothing, not even your children are truly yours, they belong to the state to banter and pass around like marketable goods.

These are my children, I chose to be a mum, I chose all that came with being a mum. I am not perfect and perhaps in the God’s eyes I have failed, or found to be lacking but to be judged by a stranger?

to have society and some one far away from the realities of our family, sitting in such high judgment of us who holds the ability in his hands to take all from under us, to take from us all we have , all we have built, and all we have planned and all we are is I guess to feel the ultimate loss. The loss of life, the loss of freedom, the loss of hat should be

The pain is unbearable, every minute I stop and heave a deep sigh, as if something is trapped and held within my very soul,  bursting to tear it’s way out to cause the ultimate pain a mother can bear. The loss of a child or the threat of the loss of a child.

I just tucked Kahleah into bed …I do feel my heart breaking with every breath. I watch their angelic faces as they begin to bloom again, only to face that it all might be ripped from us again. The tranquility and healing shattered, our family fragmented and forgotten.

My babies.  The pain is too much too keep writing, my tears beg annoyingly to be wiped away as they run in a constant stream down my cheeks unheeded. My vision is blurred. my heart is so heavy. I can’t  stop the waves of pain that rip through my soul.

it is the worse, it is rock bottom, it is the devastation that only a parent could dread. The memories flash like replay in full Technicolor windscreen through my mind of our life together, of our dreams, our hopes, and of our fear, of our nightmare.

that nightmare, it was nothing, it had nothing  on this nightmare. This is the ultimate pain, the ultimate sequel to end the saga. The final control, the final cut.  and yes, it is the deepest, far deeper than I have evr endured from him before. Far worse than too much, it hurts so bad.

and yet to know he is winning, that by my very pain right now as I sit here is another point in his seemingly endless campaign of annihilation, means nothing. It doesn’t even register. It doesn’t count.

what registers is my babies, of my bond with them

of Brodie as he says, “I hope you bought a hug with you mum” or “I know what you bought me home from the shop mummy, you bought me a kiss”.

Of listening to Shayla’s operatic tones pierce my head in perfect pitch as she merrily dances around the house and her smiles at

me the love the bond between us as mother and daughter.

Of Kahleah, my little sunshine, Her earnest blue eyes looking deeply into mine as she tells me one of her stories.

We are just now only beginning to find each other again. We are just beginning to mend and learning to walk all over again and now it is threatened with a destruction that i am powerless to stop.

and it hurts ………. bad….

I’m sorry i just need an outlet for this pain and I can’t publish this publicly….. I hurt

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